The Best Day of My Life!

So, yesterday i went to Y.E.S (Youth Empowerment Summit) sponsored by the GSA Network. I went with 3 of my friends (Z,K,L) (all straight) and a bunch of other people that i know from school. We got there way too early, we got off BART and then ended up walking in the opposite direction, it's nice knowing that i'm not the only one with a horrible sense of direction. Anyway, this guy was like following us and eventually got in front of us and started talking to us, telling us not to be scared of him.. ya.. he was creepy. but then he was talking about how he was going to see a lawyer and asked if we had ever seen a lawyer, and R says, "nope, cause we don't need one". that was awesome. we got there ate breakfast, and went to the opening event. ok, that was awesome but then we got to go to our first workshop. we went to this one that talks about all the new laws that prevent discrimination laws. i found out that one of my teachers had violated one of them, but it's really interesting. at least where i live the laws have gotten really tight, so there shouldn't be that much homophobia and transphobia, but there still is. then lunch, and then our second workshop. this one sucked, it was about drugs and how gay people are more likely to use drugs and alcohol. it would have been interesting but nope... the guy was just like so, drugs... the third workshop also sucked. it was how to get a date, and ya.. speed dating sucks, or at least this one did.. i ended up talking to all the guys.. which is not what i was looking for. this guy i talked to after said he had all the girls.. so we should have switched spots. i will point out that we got to pick the workshops, but the first one was great and i definitely choose different ones next year!

after the conference we walked around San Francisco, i think we were in the Castro area, looking for dinner. we ended up going to California Pizza Kitchen and separated by grade level. it was so much fun, we laughed and talked about the conference. then when it came time to pay, we spent then longest time figuring out the tip. when we finally did we realized we had done it the long and hard way. we walked to the dance and then hung out.

the dance was ok, it was fun dancing but all the cute girls had girlfriends so that kinda sucked. but in all i had a great time. my friends couldn't believe how happy i was, it was just so great being around either people who were gay or people who were just totally gay friendly. i wish every day was like that.. i mean i really felt like a totally different person. it was truly amazing, it really was the best day of my life!

where'd my weekend go?

on friday i got home quickly packed to go backpacking. that ended up taking an hour when it should only have taken like 2o minutes.. but i had to wash and find a bunch of stuff. then i quickly made dinner to take with me that i would eat when we got to camp. finally i had a few minutes before my ride got there so i watched antm.. i liked it a lot. my ride was late but it was all good.. i got to the meeting spot and hung out with all my friends then we hiked. it was a short hike, only about 3-5 miles with minimal hills. when we got to camp we set up our tent and hung out. in all it was an awesome trip except my stuff got drenched.. so i slept in a wet sleeping bag. we fit four people into a two person tent which worked out great because there was so much body heat that i didn't freeze to death. the downer was that my friend b and l stayed up all night talking about all the guys and gossiping about the people on the trip.. i don't care what they were talking about but gah.. all night. anyway, the entire trip my other friend a kept telling me that i should date this guy that goes to our school; the weird thing, i came out to her a while ago.

ok, now i know i complain a lot but i have to complain about my bio partner. we have a bio project and we both researched because those grades are individual. but now it's time to do the poster and i'm doing every thing. i told her that i would do everything except write her part for the poster. all she has to do is write is and email it to me then i'll put it on the poster. we both agreed to this. but it's sunday and the project is due wicked soon and i haven't gotten anything. i know i'm going to end up writing her part and i would be totally fine with that except we agreed that she would just do that and well i don't have time. if i tell the teacher she'll basically fail and this is a pretty big project and well she's my friend. fuck.. oh well. i'm over thinking this and i know i sound like an idiot, it should be simple right? just tell the teacher. but.. she's a pretty good friend and i don't know. it's always like this, group projects mean i do everything cause no one else has the motivation to do shit. i do everything and everyone gets an A.
off to buy poster paper...
enjoy your sunday

monday

wow.. it's been a while. schools gotten crazy. let me just say, geometry is the most pointless subject that i have ever been forced to take. i hate it, yes, it's worse than health. gah, when i ever going to have to make a flow proof to prove some insane statement. i suck at math, so i won't ever become a mathematician or major in math. oh well, it's starting to make some sense. we have monday off because of staff development day, this has become my favorite day off, perfectly timed. in leadership we've been working on homecoming, ie figuring out how it's going to happen this year. powderpuff is gone, some people put up RIP posters that's how i found out, yup i never know anything.
anyway, Wednesday's national coming out day, i hope to come out to one of my best friend s who's one of the coolest people i know. GSA's having a party so that's pretty cool. umm.. i went "swimming" in this pond/stream in tilden. it was totally fun, cept wicked cold. then i hung out with a bunch of friends, so that was pretty cool. then i went home and watched movies with my little sister. we watched DEBS and X-Men 3. i hadn't seen X Men 3 and i thought it was ok. i liked the second one the most still..and of course i love DEBS. i mean jordana brewster.. need i say more?
oh i'm going to Australia next summer with people to people. i got accepted. so, if anyone's got any fundraising tips they would be greatly appreciated!
enjoy your monday!

complaining

i've ment to post.. but then i don't. school is getting kinda boring. my mom came home from back to school night and said "nikki, i hate your spanish teacher" first time in 15 years that she's ever said that. ya.. the guy sucks, unfortunatly this year he decided to try and teach us something. whatever, he ignores me, i sit there and rarely raise my hand and guess what the guy never calls on me. whatever, more time for me to just sit and day dream. hmm.. oh, my english teacher has been gone for 3 out of the 4 weeks we've been in school. we don't know where he is, no one is telling us anything, we just have subs and don't learn anything. and homecoming might be cancelled. personally i don't care but i've never had all too much school spirit. theres this girl in my student gov. class who is obsessed with homecoming happening just like it always has, but the administration won't let us. i won't be there on monday too listen to more agruing between the administration, leadership class, and student body. we had a bunch of people come in and interupt our "class" to tell us that we suck. it was actually very entertaining almost as good as when they let us run around the school for 90 min. for "leadership boot camp".
that's what has been going on with me. all in all it's pretty boring. i got a mild concusion on wed. 20th so i haven't been able to take tests because i guess i messes up part of my brain cause i can't remember things all too well.. which sucks. i have like 10 tests to make up. anyway, monday's yom kippur, happy fasting... for all who will be fasting. i will.
i started work, i'm TAing in a fourth grade class at my synagogue's hebrew school. it's not that bad as long as they keep me with that class, cause i get to work with my friend. it was funny, someone called me during class and my pants start buzzing and my friend was the only who notices and we was like 3 people away, the teacher was oblivious which is good cause.. well i want to get paid. anyway, my other friend works there and we drive together so it's not bad, and they know not to put me in my sisters class because all hell would break loose. oh, i met a girl that has my hebrew name, which has never happened before. so it's super confusing when he says it because it's the name i'm most used to hearing in that setting.
ok i'm done rambling, enjoy you weekend and happy yom kippur. i don't think i spelled that right by the way.

Next Summer

i love school, i always have and probably always will. but, i also love the summer. i live going to band camp and hanging out with friends without having to worry about studying. this summer my friend emailed me saying that she was going to Australia with this group and of course i wanted to go, cause well i've always wanted to go there. but to go with the program you had to get nominated by an alumni of the program. someone nominated me and i'm now eligible to go, all i have to do is get two teacher recommendations and go to an interview. it sounds hecka fun, you get to go snorkeling in a reef and all this other totally awesome stuff. now i'm all excited for the summer, i just want to fast forward through school and have it be summer so i can find out if i get to go to Australia. has anyone participated in a people to people program? anyway, back to my homework...

happy friday

ok.. so i love fridays!! i get out of school at 2:15 instead of 3:10 and i only have three classes. plus i have a 40 minute free period. i guess we have a game today because the cheerleaders did a little routine thing at break, but no one announced the game so i'm super confused. plus everyone was wearing red (our school colors are red and white). i was wearing a red shirt but that was totally coincidental.. you would think that being on leadership i would be in the loop but i guess not..
anyway, last night i told my last years teacher that i'm gay. i didn't tell her in person or over the phone, i told her in an email. on tuesday when i helped her out i said things that i felt needed an explination so i told her. so today when i got home i checked my email and she had responded. well of course everything was fine because..she is gay too.. which i've known but it was still kinda weird telling her. i'm totally glad i told her and i can't wait until i see her on tuesday. so ya.. that's really all that's happened...oh.. i did end up writing about how i'm gay for that essay thing.. but my teacher won't give it back.. he says he wants to use them as a dignostic so i don't know if we're ever going to get them back. i really wanted to see his reaction. anyway, i have a 35 mile bike ride this weekend so i hope it doesn't get too hot.. but i wish it would warm up a bit., i'm freezing!! i mean jeez i live in cali.. it should be warm and sunny.. but once my jersey's done drying i'll take a picture of it. it's very jewish, which makes sense since the people i'm riding with are all jewish. i don't mind.. it was just kind of a shock. so GO MITZVAH MILERS!!!!

advice

ok, so in english we got an assignment and we have to write about how we've changed or grown in the past year both positive and negative things. of course the first thing that came to mind was my being gay/coming out. today was my first day at school and i just met my teacher who seems pretty cool. but i don't know what will happen if i write about that and i mean basically it's the only thing i can think of to write about. any thoughts?

UC Davis

On Sunday i went to UCD with my aunt to visit some of her friends and to give me a chance to see the campus. for a while i've wanted to go to UCD and after seeing the campus and learning about the school i'm sure i want to go there. i biked around the campus and got to see davis which is a nice town. everyone there is really into agriculture, the house that we stayed at had over 500 species of plants and they had chickens, a tortoise, and 2 very sweet dogs. i ran into someone i knew from camp and it was fun.

anyway, tomorrow i start school and i'm really excited, i get to see my friends and hopefully school will be interesting and i won't be totally bored out of my mind. i can't wait to see if i have good teachers. and i'm curious to see what health/identity/society is about since it's a new class and everyone has no idea what it is. all i know is that there's no homework so that's cool. it's going to be so weird getting up at like 6 for school. school starts at 7:40 and goes until 3:09. at least it's a short week, 3 days and then a 3 day weekend.

cliques

ok, at least at my school there are obvious cliques but i don't think it's all too bad. for me it's kinda weird because i have a bunch of friends from elementary school who i'm still very good friends with. but i guess clique wise i would fall into the geek/nerds/band dorks. i mean even though i love sports i haven't been able to play for like 2 years because of a knee injury so i wouldn't be a jock. i'm NOT a cheerleader. i'm not punk or goth. i hang out with a bunch of drama people but i'm not into drama, i don't act or sing. so, to be able to hang out with them i do stage crew or do sound. maybe senoir year i'll be stage manager.
anyway, i was on leadership this past year (student government) and i met a bunch of people who in past years i didn't get along because we were in "different cliques" and i guess it really made me realize that even the most unlikely people can become good friends.
i think seperating people in school by cliques is kinda stupid, but someone told me once that as humans we feel the need to catagorize everyone into groups. i'm still not sure if thats what i believe but i think in terms of cliques it makes sense. what do you think of cliques? and what cliques are/were you in?

summer's almost over

well, i just got back from oregon. it was a lot of fun, just super hot. we spent 3 days going to plays, walking around ashland, and spending time with my grandparents. the thing i did notice is that where we were there was no diversity. there were no asians or anything other than white people. now, don't get me wrong there's nothing wrong with that.. i guess i'm just used to a lot of diversity. anyway i have no idea what i'm saying i just wanted to post something.. school starts in 2 weeks... i'm kind of excited..
-Nikki

Camp/Summer

So, for the last two weeks i've been CITing (Couselor in training) at this summer camp with a bunch of little kids. it's been so much fun, the other CITs are awesome and we've gotten along great. i've gotten so used to waking up every moring and seeing all of them bright and early because CITs have to get there way before the campers do. every day at around one me and like 3 of the CITs had a 30 minute break where we would go off into the park and just hang out and talk about stuff that we couldn't say around the campers. and i think now after 2 weeks we've gotten pretty close. actually i didn't really want to go but my parents made me and as much as it hurts me to say it i'm glad they did.. i met a bunch of cool people and had a lot of fun.
then on friday i'm going up to oregon to visit family and see a few plays. then i have a few days with my friend to hang out and then school starts. so ya.. i'll be away from the computer for like a week...
-Nikki

Kate Moennig

I'm OUT!!

ok so yesterday i came out to three friends all of which reacted REALLY well and are totally cool. two told me they were bi, well they think they're bi. D is straight, K is bi, and J thinks she's bi. actually i took the easy way out and told them over aim but it was cool and maybe the next person i tell, i'll tell in person or over the phone. they made me feel bad about not being able to tell them.. each was like dude... we love you it's no big deal.. you're still you... it was awesome.. i felt so great after telling them.. for all you people still in the closet even though over AIM isn't very i guess personal it's easier atleast for me. two of them had suspected i was gay.. yes because i had been talking about how hot kate is! K agrees with me about kate... anyway it was awesome and i can't wait to see them in person and to come out to more people!
-Nikki

hey you guys... this was written with my awesome fountain pen that i finally fixed!!!
love ya guys..
Nikki

Prejudice

racism, sexism, homophobia
everyone judges, everyone disagrees
gay marriage. pro? con?
women in power. pro? con?
segregation. pro? con?
america free?
we've battled them all
racism, sexism, homophobia
now the question,
how are gay people different?
they are in love with one another
prejudice. stereotypes. discrimination.
america, land of the free?

(this one i have no idea why i wrote it.. i guess its about how america isn't really "the land of the free" kinda obvious though...)

New Me

slowly i drift away into the darkness
slipping away from the light
engulfed by the darkness
these feeling swallow me
clouding my judgement
when i look into the mirror
i see a girl, but is it me?
she smiles, i frown

(this one i guess is about realizing i was gay)

Pride

struggles. decisions. choices
i can't decide
i want to, but don't
i can't
i'm struggling. should i speak?
pictures float into my mind
i've told some
i want to scream. yell. shout.
i NEED to speak up

(this one's about coming out)

Strangers

Finally. I'm happy with people like me
they understand what i'm going through
these "strangers"
became my best friends
i trust them
more than anyone
i love them
they mean the world to me
some aren't like me
they understand
accept me
life without them is
umimaginable
without them i would be so alone
they make me feel normal
others just don't understand
some try and fail
strangers, friends, all the same
friends were once strangers
and strangers become friends

Poetry

So... some of you know that i was at a writing camp. here are some of the some of the poems.
ya.. i know i posted the first one yesterday but i changed it a bit. each poem will be its own post because that would be a VERY long post.
-Nikki

You Know Who You Are....

Finally i've met people like me, they understand me, what i'm going through. They're "strangers" but i feel connected to them. The've become my close friends. I trust them, more than anyone. I love them all, they mean the world to me. Some aren't like me but they understand and accept me. I can't imagine not being able to talk to them. I would be so alone. They make me feel normal again. Other's just don't understand or they try and fail. Strangers. Friends. They're all the same. Friends were once strangers.

Thanks for listening to me rant and stuff. I love you guys.
-Nikki

It's been a while

ok... and once again i'm back. god it's been crazy. school ended and i re decorated my room and cleaned it out. i also got a bunch of new furniture, i got a new desk chair, desk, and dresser. let me just tell you, my dresser kicks butt!!! i got back from band camp yesterday. it was a lot of fun, two weeks out in the middle of nowhere playing music for about 5-7 hours a day. ya, it's intense. i met a bunch of new people who rock and i will miss. this year we had a lot of down time where we hung out and read stuff, listened to music, sometimes practiced, and wrote letters. my friend made the coolest newspaper hat. which ended up not fitting her so she gave it to me and i love it. there was this girl in my unit who had SOO much guy drama it was kinda annoying. everyday she was madly in love with a new guy and he was causing some sort of drama. friends from previous years made up almost half our cabin which was awesome!!

Mulan

This is my favorite song from Mulan. I love it and my friends and i sing it constantly when we go backpacking! i never sing, but i do sing this song! ya... i know it's kinda lame... let's call it a guilty pleasure



Here's another one.. same song just it's a mix of scenes from the Harry Potter movies.

Ranting About Coming Out

Ok.. well I know no one has missed me.. but i've been away backpacking for five days and just got back. god i'm tired! backpacking was fun except for the bugs.. I HATE bugs. but anyway... since I was away from a computer for five days i've missed a bunch of podcasts and I got back showered for a long time, watched some TV, checked the forum, and then finally checked out the blogs. I don't know how many people are a) reading this b) have seen my post on the forum, but I attempted to come out to my teacher. school ended and I still haven't told her but I plan on either doing it next year or during the summer when I see her.
The crazy thing is that I know she'll be cool about it cause as i've said before, she's gay. but I mean I still don't know if it would make things weird and she's one of those teachers that i've learned so much from. I mean we've argued over some of the most ridiculous things. this summer I going to this writing thing that she's teaching so i'm planning to just blurt it out. the hard part is finding a time when there's no one else there.
next year i'm going to join the GSA with my really good friend but I can't seem to tell my parents. god, I feel like such a loser. I know that I shouldn't feel that I have to hide these things.. I mean it's the gay STRAIGHT alliance so joining doesn't necessarily make me gay, even though I know I am. I feel like a horrible person, I have out right lied to some of the coolest people in my life who have basically asked me if I was gay. but every time someone asked me that, they made it sound like if I said yes it was bad. I mean jeez, I showed my friend a picture of Katherine Moennig and my other friend saw and was like "are you two having on of your lesbain fantasies again?"
I was like what they fuck? First off look at this chick (Katherine Moennig) she's hella hot and second off it's none of you bussiness who i think is hot or who i'm attracted to. I've never told anyone this, but when we were about six or seven we kissed. I should add that my friend, let's call her Z, has pictures of this event and insists on repetetdly telling me about this and says it like kissing another girl is horrible. Mind you, since that day when i was SEVEN i haven't kissed another girl. Z was my first friend and i wish i could tell her that i'm gay but i KNOW she will freak.
i have rambled on for long enough i guess my point in this post was just to say that i'm trying to come out to some close friends and am finding it really hard. i'm one of those people who over think things. to anyone who reads this any advice would be much appriated.

This is the picture that i showed to my friend

Do You Know Bette and Tina?

The lovely lady who basically outed me to my teacher.

Today in English we were making scrape books because it's the end of the year and i guess they want us to remember the year. Anyway, i brought a few pictures of Katherine Moennig and a bunch of pictures of my friends. Since i sit in the front my teacher started looking at my pictures and i was describing them. She saw the ones of Katherine Moennig and said, "Oh, I know her." I'm not "out" at school so i started blushing and it was awkward. I guess i should add that i know that she's gay because she's mentioned that her partner has graded my test. Plus, she has a picture of her and her girlfriend camping. Also, when we were talking about gay marriage she said it was legal in Hawaii and i told her that it was illegal and she said that she should have known that. But anyway, after she said that she knew Katherine Moennig i wanted to ask if she knew Bette and Tina as well. But i think that would have been a bit awkward and i already know she watches the L Word because i've heard her talking about it. I mean, how weird would it have been if i'd asked her and she said yes. At that moment we both would have been like "oh.. she's gay too?"

Funny Stories

i have no idea if these are funny.. but at the time they were super funny...
i was at school and my friend (A) and i were teasing (in a friendly way) my other friend (Am) about her new "boyfriend" and Am was hitting us with various objects. for some reason that prompted me to say "ya.. i want a boyfriend, so he can dump me and then i can wallow and eat ice cream and watch crappy tv." this was before school and we were in the hall, lets just say it's a good thing there was no one there because all of us were laughing so hard...
yup i was a weird kid...

hope i didn't offend anyone.. =D

And the winner is....

It turns out i won!! The day of the elections i wasn't feeling to great. In the middle of 7th period (elections were 8th) i started coughing and i couldn't stop. My teacher who is incredibly awesome and manages to constantly embarrass me says, "oh i hope you stop coughing before the elections." My friend who sits in front of me gave me a cough drop which helped controlled the couging. Anyway, the next day (Friday) i was home sick. One of the leadership advisors called (i should probably mention that i'm on leadership-student government- this year) but i guess i was sleeping and my mom took the call. Later my mom comes up and tells me that the leadership advisor called... i shot out of the bed, ran downstairs, and called her back. She told me that i won and that my friend had won for president and my other friend had won for secretary/treasurer. After school like four of my friends called me to tell me the news and a bunch of others IMed me. Next year is going to rock on leadership.

Elections

Today we had student body elections and I ran for Vice President. Tomorrow we find out the winners but we have to wait until 8th period, the end of the day.