advice

ok, so in english we got an assignment and we have to write about how we've changed or grown in the past year both positive and negative things. of course the first thing that came to mind was my being gay/coming out. today was my first day at school and i just met my teacher who seems pretty cool. but i don't know what will happen if i write about that and i mean basically it's the only thing i can think of to write about. any thoughts?

UC Davis

On Sunday i went to UCD with my aunt to visit some of her friends and to give me a chance to see the campus. for a while i've wanted to go to UCD and after seeing the campus and learning about the school i'm sure i want to go there. i biked around the campus and got to see davis which is a nice town. everyone there is really into agriculture, the house that we stayed at had over 500 species of plants and they had chickens, a tortoise, and 2 very sweet dogs. i ran into someone i knew from camp and it was fun.

anyway, tomorrow i start school and i'm really excited, i get to see my friends and hopefully school will be interesting and i won't be totally bored out of my mind. i can't wait to see if i have good teachers. and i'm curious to see what health/identity/society is about since it's a new class and everyone has no idea what it is. all i know is that there's no homework so that's cool. it's going to be so weird getting up at like 6 for school. school starts at 7:40 and goes until 3:09. at least it's a short week, 3 days and then a 3 day weekend.

cliques

ok, at least at my school there are obvious cliques but i don't think it's all too bad. for me it's kinda weird because i have a bunch of friends from elementary school who i'm still very good friends with. but i guess clique wise i would fall into the geek/nerds/band dorks. i mean even though i love sports i haven't been able to play for like 2 years because of a knee injury so i wouldn't be a jock. i'm NOT a cheerleader. i'm not punk or goth. i hang out with a bunch of drama people but i'm not into drama, i don't act or sing. so, to be able to hang out with them i do stage crew or do sound. maybe senoir year i'll be stage manager.
anyway, i was on leadership this past year (student government) and i met a bunch of people who in past years i didn't get along because we were in "different cliques" and i guess it really made me realize that even the most unlikely people can become good friends.
i think seperating people in school by cliques is kinda stupid, but someone told me once that as humans we feel the need to catagorize everyone into groups. i'm still not sure if thats what i believe but i think in terms of cliques it makes sense. what do you think of cliques? and what cliques are/were you in?

summer's almost over

well, i just got back from oregon. it was a lot of fun, just super hot. we spent 3 days going to plays, walking around ashland, and spending time with my grandparents. the thing i did notice is that where we were there was no diversity. there were no asians or anything other than white people. now, don't get me wrong there's nothing wrong with that.. i guess i'm just used to a lot of diversity. anyway i have no idea what i'm saying i just wanted to post something.. school starts in 2 weeks... i'm kind of excited..
-Nikki

Camp/Summer

So, for the last two weeks i've been CITing (Couselor in training) at this summer camp with a bunch of little kids. it's been so much fun, the other CITs are awesome and we've gotten along great. i've gotten so used to waking up every moring and seeing all of them bright and early because CITs have to get there way before the campers do. every day at around one me and like 3 of the CITs had a 30 minute break where we would go off into the park and just hang out and talk about stuff that we couldn't say around the campers. and i think now after 2 weeks we've gotten pretty close. actually i didn't really want to go but my parents made me and as much as it hurts me to say it i'm glad they did.. i met a bunch of cool people and had a lot of fun.
then on friday i'm going up to oregon to visit family and see a few plays. then i have a few days with my friend to hang out and then school starts. so ya.. i'll be away from the computer for like a week...
-Nikki

Kate Moennig

I'm OUT!!

ok so yesterday i came out to three friends all of which reacted REALLY well and are totally cool. two told me they were bi, well they think they're bi. D is straight, K is bi, and J thinks she's bi. actually i took the easy way out and told them over aim but it was cool and maybe the next person i tell, i'll tell in person or over the phone. they made me feel bad about not being able to tell them.. each was like dude... we love you it's no big deal.. you're still you... it was awesome.. i felt so great after telling them.. for all you people still in the closet even though over AIM isn't very i guess personal it's easier atleast for me. two of them had suspected i was gay.. yes because i had been talking about how hot kate is! K agrees with me about kate... anyway it was awesome and i can't wait to see them in person and to come out to more people!
-Nikki

hey you guys... this was written with my awesome fountain pen that i finally fixed!!!
love ya guys..
Nikki

Prejudice

racism, sexism, homophobia
everyone judges, everyone disagrees
gay marriage. pro? con?
women in power. pro? con?
segregation. pro? con?
america free?
we've battled them all
racism, sexism, homophobia
now the question,
how are gay people different?
they are in love with one another
prejudice. stereotypes. discrimination.
america, land of the free?

(this one i have no idea why i wrote it.. i guess its about how america isn't really "the land of the free" kinda obvious though...)

New Me

slowly i drift away into the darkness
slipping away from the light
engulfed by the darkness
these feeling swallow me
clouding my judgement
when i look into the mirror
i see a girl, but is it me?
she smiles, i frown

(this one i guess is about realizing i was gay)

Pride

struggles. decisions. choices
i can't decide
i want to, but don't
i can't
i'm struggling. should i speak?
pictures float into my mind
i've told some
i want to scream. yell. shout.
i NEED to speak up

(this one's about coming out)

Strangers

Finally. I'm happy with people like me
they understand what i'm going through
these "strangers"
became my best friends
i trust them
more than anyone
i love them
they mean the world to me
some aren't like me
they understand
accept me
life without them is
umimaginable
without them i would be so alone
they make me feel normal
others just don't understand
some try and fail
strangers, friends, all the same
friends were once strangers
and strangers become friends

Poetry

So... some of you know that i was at a writing camp. here are some of the some of the poems.
ya.. i know i posted the first one yesterday but i changed it a bit. each poem will be its own post because that would be a VERY long post.
-Nikki

You Know Who You Are....

Finally i've met people like me, they understand me, what i'm going through. They're "strangers" but i feel connected to them. The've become my close friends. I trust them, more than anyone. I love them all, they mean the world to me. Some aren't like me but they understand and accept me. I can't imagine not being able to talk to them. I would be so alone. They make me feel normal again. Other's just don't understand or they try and fail. Strangers. Friends. They're all the same. Friends were once strangers.

Thanks for listening to me rant and stuff. I love you guys.
-Nikki

It's been a while

ok... and once again i'm back. god it's been crazy. school ended and i re decorated my room and cleaned it out. i also got a bunch of new furniture, i got a new desk chair, desk, and dresser. let me just tell you, my dresser kicks butt!!! i got back from band camp yesterday. it was a lot of fun, two weeks out in the middle of nowhere playing music for about 5-7 hours a day. ya, it's intense. i met a bunch of new people who rock and i will miss. this year we had a lot of down time where we hung out and read stuff, listened to music, sometimes practiced, and wrote letters. my friend made the coolest newspaper hat. which ended up not fitting her so she gave it to me and i love it. there was this girl in my unit who had SOO much guy drama it was kinda annoying. everyday she was madly in love with a new guy and he was causing some sort of drama. friends from previous years made up almost half our cabin which was awesome!!

Mulan

This is my favorite song from Mulan. I love it and my friends and i sing it constantly when we go backpacking! i never sing, but i do sing this song! ya... i know it's kinda lame... let's call it a guilty pleasure



Here's another one.. same song just it's a mix of scenes from the Harry Potter movies.

Ranting About Coming Out

Ok.. well I know no one has missed me.. but i've been away backpacking for five days and just got back. god i'm tired! backpacking was fun except for the bugs.. I HATE bugs. but anyway... since I was away from a computer for five days i've missed a bunch of podcasts and I got back showered for a long time, watched some TV, checked the forum, and then finally checked out the blogs. I don't know how many people are a) reading this b) have seen my post on the forum, but I attempted to come out to my teacher. school ended and I still haven't told her but I plan on either doing it next year or during the summer when I see her.
The crazy thing is that I know she'll be cool about it cause as i've said before, she's gay. but I mean I still don't know if it would make things weird and she's one of those teachers that i've learned so much from. I mean we've argued over some of the most ridiculous things. this summer I going to this writing thing that she's teaching so i'm planning to just blurt it out. the hard part is finding a time when there's no one else there.
next year i'm going to join the GSA with my really good friend but I can't seem to tell my parents. god, I feel like such a loser. I know that I shouldn't feel that I have to hide these things.. I mean it's the gay STRAIGHT alliance so joining doesn't necessarily make me gay, even though I know I am. I feel like a horrible person, I have out right lied to some of the coolest people in my life who have basically asked me if I was gay. but every time someone asked me that, they made it sound like if I said yes it was bad. I mean jeez, I showed my friend a picture of Katherine Moennig and my other friend saw and was like "are you two having on of your lesbain fantasies again?"
I was like what they fuck? First off look at this chick (Katherine Moennig) she's hella hot and second off it's none of you bussiness who i think is hot or who i'm attracted to. I've never told anyone this, but when we were about six or seven we kissed. I should add that my friend, let's call her Z, has pictures of this event and insists on repetetdly telling me about this and says it like kissing another girl is horrible. Mind you, since that day when i was SEVEN i haven't kissed another girl. Z was my first friend and i wish i could tell her that i'm gay but i KNOW she will freak.
i have rambled on for long enough i guess my point in this post was just to say that i'm trying to come out to some close friends and am finding it really hard. i'm one of those people who over think things. to anyone who reads this any advice would be much appriated.

This is the picture that i showed to my friend

Do You Know Bette and Tina?

The lovely lady who basically outed me to my teacher.

Today in English we were making scrape books because it's the end of the year and i guess they want us to remember the year. Anyway, i brought a few pictures of Katherine Moennig and a bunch of pictures of my friends. Since i sit in the front my teacher started looking at my pictures and i was describing them. She saw the ones of Katherine Moennig and said, "Oh, I know her." I'm not "out" at school so i started blushing and it was awkward. I guess i should add that i know that she's gay because she's mentioned that her partner has graded my test. Plus, she has a picture of her and her girlfriend camping. Also, when we were talking about gay marriage she said it was legal in Hawaii and i told her that it was illegal and she said that she should have known that. But anyway, after she said that she knew Katherine Moennig i wanted to ask if she knew Bette and Tina as well. But i think that would have been a bit awkward and i already know she watches the L Word because i've heard her talking about it. I mean, how weird would it have been if i'd asked her and she said yes. At that moment we both would have been like "oh.. she's gay too?"

Funny Stories

i have no idea if these are funny.. but at the time they were super funny...
i was at school and my friend (A) and i were teasing (in a friendly way) my other friend (Am) about her new "boyfriend" and Am was hitting us with various objects. for some reason that prompted me to say "ya.. i want a boyfriend, so he can dump me and then i can wallow and eat ice cream and watch crappy tv." this was before school and we were in the hall, lets just say it's a good thing there was no one there because all of us were laughing so hard...
yup i was a weird kid...

hope i didn't offend anyone.. =D

And the winner is....

It turns out i won!! The day of the elections i wasn't feeling to great. In the middle of 7th period (elections were 8th) i started coughing and i couldn't stop. My teacher who is incredibly awesome and manages to constantly embarrass me says, "oh i hope you stop coughing before the elections." My friend who sits in front of me gave me a cough drop which helped controlled the couging. Anyway, the next day (Friday) i was home sick. One of the leadership advisors called (i should probably mention that i'm on leadership-student government- this year) but i guess i was sleeping and my mom took the call. Later my mom comes up and tells me that the leadership advisor called... i shot out of the bed, ran downstairs, and called her back. She told me that i won and that my friend had won for president and my other friend had won for secretary/treasurer. After school like four of my friends called me to tell me the news and a bunch of others IMed me. Next year is going to rock on leadership.